confused

My dreams are so vivid and real most of the time that i have a hard time figuring out if some of it was just a memory or a dream. I'm gonna give you a glimpse in my head for a sec. give you a view of my inner workings, my thoughts is like flipping through channels, you see clips of different events in my life, i'm not saying current events, i mean my whole life, its on shuffle and repeat, its never in order, or pertinence to current state of mind. for example, i can be having dinner with a friend, and we're talking about this guy she met, and even though i'm listening and involved in the conversation, this is my brain-that was good cheesecake i had last week, man i don't know why i don't remember my first kiss with Kelly, i need to go to walmart to return some stuff, i should give princess a bath, i should give ryan a call, i want some dim sum, i need to paint my nails... ect... see thats what i mean its so confusing in there sometimes...... lol now that i think about it anyone know a good therapist? 

My heart is hurting

I hate it when he blames me for everything, it use to be something I put up with because it never got to me, but now the more it happens the more depressed I get. When we miss dinner because he was sleeping he blames me, when I agreed to go to the carnival mid week instead of sat, and he goes play disc golf instead and comes home late, he blames me. How much blame can I take? Sometimes I feel as I'm going to shatter, I'm stressed, sad, and my nerves are fraying, I need a vacation bad, someone please help before I really lose it

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I train myself not to think these things

I use to be a glass half empty kinda girl, and though now a days i try the glass half full look, it doesn't always stick. but now that i'm older i know that dwelling on the negatives gets you on a road to no where, except heartburns, and no sleep. So as soon as i start feeling that anxiety rises and the taste of it makes you want to vomit, i stop and take a moment to take in the world, close your eyes and use you other sense other than site, then i remember i'm alive, and I have a loving family, and that i'm doing OK in this world. sorry this girl no longer dwell on what isn't, what's the point? to get you all sick? I'm so over it as they would say. life is too short to be worried live it while you can, or you'll miss everything

grumble grumble grrrrrr

As the sun rises and i'm laying in bed staring out the curtained windows, mesmerized by the dirt particles floating through the ray of light peaking through. last night i didn't get that much sleep, seems like even as i slept i was still awake, now that its morning its hard to say weather i actually fell asleep last night at all. I have so much going through my mind, and its going a mile a min! wait make that 10 miles a min. I had dinner with Liz last night though i don't get to see her much anymore (due to our conflicting schedules all the time) it was good to see her before she went on his grand adventure of her. (though i must admit if was i single and no kid i would be there right next to her)envious isn't a strong enough word for how i feel.

but last night dinner was.... i'm not even quite sure what it was, for i'm still processing the night. my biggest fear of Liz ambushing me with brandy came through, though why i was surprised i don't really know. The night went OK, though several times i wanted to just run out of there screaming, but we're all adults here, i wanted to see Liz one last time. so i stayed made nice, even if its only one night, cause the 6 months of hell i went through (being 2 months pregnant near the end and having no friends there for me cause the turned their backs on me) is not gonna be erased in one night of pleasant conversation. The situation brings up memories of Kelly (bf in high school) and when i got pregnant then and he abandoned me. its painful, and it was painful for those 6 months in SA when i had a roommate from hell, and hurts even more cause i didn't have anyone to freak out about my pregnancy about.... in the end it was Terrill and I, and I understand now that he is the anchor that keeps me from going insane. i tried to sort out my feelings last night i needed to pinpoint the anger i had toward a certain ex roommate, i figured out that all the excuses i had masked the true reason because no matter what she was suppose to be my best-friend, but i still have scars from the knife wounds in my back, i was pregnant, alone, and living in hell, that night i lost the only 2 people (at that time) that i cared most about. and i dont think i can ever go back.

i can start here and bitch forever but i must head to work.... !

man oh man!

Happy Sunday everyone! Though if you ask me its not really that happy, Kaylee is sick so i had a very restless night, being a worrying mother and all, every little noise i had to get up to check if she was OK. at some point last night i kept thinking i should just go sleep in her room, but for some reason i decided against it and now i'm very very very tired. oh well motherhood, gotta take the good with the bad, though at this point my lack of sleep isn't my top concern, Kaylee is still coughing.

Another one bites the dust!

So its Friday again, but it might as well be Wednesday!all the days seem to run together now a days.

Recently we have hired on a "helper" at work, well she lasted 9 days, and quit..... it was an easy job, i don't understand why she quit, she seemed to be eager to work, and works harder that most of us. I guess she wasn't cut out for this business after all. Oh well, NEXT!

Sometimes i think i have gone insane, after working 3 years (continuously) in this business i want to slit my wrist and just off a bridge while downing a bottle of pills, but every day i go in there and i smile my ass off, and answer every freaking stupid ass questions that comes across. I come home and I'm sooo tired mentally mostly. but the day must continues, i cant hit pause.. wait can i??

Kaylee is getting to be too smart! She understand more than any 4 years old should. her whys have now become "what does that mean?" or "why does that work that way?" which is wonderful but even i don't know everything, nor do i try to. I wish I was a kid again, rose colored glasses, when everything is Sunshine, and rainbows. ah i wish.... please please please? no?? OK fine.... thought i don't know i like the knowledge i have of the lessons i have learned through trials and tribulations.


so as most of you know i turn 29 in 4 months, is the ticking getting louder or is it me? I want other kid! so much that i think I'm getting antsy.. i know i know it'll happen when it happens, and it seems its not happening, which I'm totally happy with Kaylee... but how nice would it be with one or maybe 2 more kids?? but i learn that a miracle like that rarely comes when you plan it. oh well I'll be happy either way.

well this day winding down so goodnight all i am out!

Well its another day, lately i have been feeling... well i don't really know what i have been feeling, i feel like sometimes i'm alone in this world, I know I have my family. but what is life without friends?? if you know me well enough (that is the REAL me and not some version of me i decide to show) you know I tend to not stick with the same people for long. See my issues is i see their flaws too quickly, I see the manipulations, and the back stabbing, and the gossip, and the way they treat each other and sooner than later i run, far far away. When we are young we are not picky about our friends, with age comes more selective friends, and now that i'm about a year an a half till 30, i seem to be fickle in friends selection. I know its my own damn fault and i cant blame anyone. Ive accepted this but will i change??? no probably not, i'll become more fickle with age, and you know thats OK with me. more time for me to write my book. and for those friends that have a kept near and dear... well where are you? it seems even my judgment in friends still has a flaw in it, cause it seems i like to chase my past a lot, and during that time, i wasn't sane 80% of the time. but those friends are far and few but i still occasionally do drinks and dinner to keep my sanity in check.... or at least as much in check as possible.

I over analyzed people.... even people i truly know cause i always think they have an ulterior motive..... and usually i'm right!