grumble grumble grrrrrr

As the sun rises and i'm laying in bed staring out the curtained windows, mesmerized by the dirt particles floating through the ray of light peaking through. last night i didn't get that much sleep, seems like even as i slept i was still awake, now that its morning its hard to say weather i actually fell asleep last night at all. I have so much going through my mind, and its going a mile a min! wait make that 10 miles a min. I had dinner with Liz last night though i don't get to see her much anymore (due to our conflicting schedules all the time) it was good to see her before she went on his grand adventure of her. (though i must admit if was i single and no kid i would be there right next to her)envious isn't a strong enough word for how i feel.

but last night dinner was.... i'm not even quite sure what it was, for i'm still processing the night. my biggest fear of Liz ambushing me with brandy came through, though why i was surprised i don't really know. The night went OK, though several times i wanted to just run out of there screaming, but we're all adults here, i wanted to see Liz one last time. so i stayed made nice, even if its only one night, cause the 6 months of hell i went through (being 2 months pregnant near the end and having no friends there for me cause the turned their backs on me) is not gonna be erased in one night of pleasant conversation. The situation brings up memories of Kelly (bf in high school) and when i got pregnant then and he abandoned me. its painful, and it was painful for those 6 months in SA when i had a roommate from hell, and hurts even more cause i didn't have anyone to freak out about my pregnancy about.... in the end it was Terrill and I, and I understand now that he is the anchor that keeps me from going insane. i tried to sort out my feelings last night i needed to pinpoint the anger i had toward a certain ex roommate, i figured out that all the excuses i had masked the true reason because no matter what she was suppose to be my best-friend, but i still have scars from the knife wounds in my back, i was pregnant, alone, and living in hell, that night i lost the only 2 people (at that time) that i cared most about. and i dont think i can ever go back.

i can start here and bitch forever but i must head to work.... !