freeak out!

Some time I have momentarily what i might call internal freak out moment. I for like 30 sec freak out about a problem I'm having or old feeling about a guy bubbling out, or work being stress from work. and sometimes even all 3 at once. I can muti task or what? : ) ok anyways I have this quite internal like "oh my god do i still have feelings for him? no of course not, but he still makes my heart squeeze, idiot! you're in a great relationship, yea but what if? what if my ass, you had a chance do i need to remind you? no i guess i dont have feelings for him" (did I mention I can be a tad bit skitzo when i freak out?) or  "god i should quit, grow a pair for once! but how could I? they need me there, and the money is good, but jeez how can any sane person put up with this? jeez... uuggghhhh...... " and all i would need is that brief internal conversation and i feel better, i don't feel like I'm about to snap anymore. its weird really people always ask me how i'm so calm... start talking to yourself it solves a whole lot of problems!

need no man

I never really understood these females that are always depending on males. Some one needs to tell them its 2011 stand on your own 2 feet! I have a man, though i will admit i play the "damsel in distress" sometimes ok cause I'm lazy and I don't want to try to open the jar, or get the spider cause I hate spiders. but that's hardly anything to criticize me on. I'm talking about those women that cry over not having a "man" to support them. Women should live  (and work) like they think tomorrow I'll be supporting myself, i met this girl the other day that was  crying over how her bf left her and she's broke with no job, so she had to move back in to her parents, and sleep on the couch.... blah blah blah. look lady, one if you are over the age of 16 GET A JOB! build life skills, have life experiences, don't be a douche and depends on people carrying you! its not gonna happen, and if you are one of those born in to money, well screw you, the rest of us are tougher than you will ever be!

Wth!

Seriously I'm sick of work, I've always thought I would be working on an office some where doing something important on my life, not waiting tables at the age of almost 30. I put up with idiot customers everyday, "what is an egg drop soup??" "can I get pad thai without the noodles?" "where's my fortune cookie?" "can I get a vegetarian dish no meat" egg drop soup is soup with eggs, pad thai is noodles without it, it is just a plate with ground peanuts, bean sprouts,.and eggs....... Fortune cookies are not thai, and duh you said vegetarian.... We have no help, and the money is good but the stress is not worth it! God please give me the strength to get through the days, and give me luck to get out

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confused

My dreams are so vivid and real most of the time that i have a hard time figuring out if some of it was just a memory or a dream. I'm gonna give you a glimpse in my head for a sec. give you a view of my inner workings, my thoughts is like flipping through channels, you see clips of different events in my life, i'm not saying current events, i mean my whole life, its on shuffle and repeat, its never in order, or pertinence to current state of mind. for example, i can be having dinner with a friend, and we're talking about this guy she met, and even though i'm listening and involved in the conversation, this is my brain-that was good cheesecake i had last week, man i don't know why i don't remember my first kiss with Kelly, i need to go to walmart to return some stuff, i should give princess a bath, i should give ryan a call, i want some dim sum, i need to paint my nails... ect... see thats what i mean its so confusing in there sometimes...... lol now that i think about it anyone know a good therapist? 

My heart is hurting

I hate it when he blames me for everything, it use to be something I put up with because it never got to me, but now the more it happens the more depressed I get. When we miss dinner because he was sleeping he blames me, when I agreed to go to the carnival mid week instead of sat, and he goes play disc golf instead and comes home late, he blames me. How much blame can I take? Sometimes I feel as I'm going to shatter, I'm stressed, sad, and my nerves are fraying, I need a vacation bad, someone please help before I really lose it

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I train myself not to think these things

I use to be a glass half empty kinda girl, and though now a days i try the glass half full look, it doesn't always stick. but now that i'm older i know that dwelling on the negatives gets you on a road to no where, except heartburns, and no sleep. So as soon as i start feeling that anxiety rises and the taste of it makes you want to vomit, i stop and take a moment to take in the world, close your eyes and use you other sense other than site, then i remember i'm alive, and I have a loving family, and that i'm doing OK in this world. sorry this girl no longer dwell on what isn't, what's the point? to get you all sick? I'm so over it as they would say. life is too short to be worried live it while you can, or you'll miss everything

grumble grumble grrrrrr

As the sun rises and i'm laying in bed staring out the curtained windows, mesmerized by the dirt particles floating through the ray of light peaking through. last night i didn't get that much sleep, seems like even as i slept i was still awake, now that its morning its hard to say weather i actually fell asleep last night at all. I have so much going through my mind, and its going a mile a min! wait make that 10 miles a min. I had dinner with Liz last night though i don't get to see her much anymore (due to our conflicting schedules all the time) it was good to see her before she went on his grand adventure of her. (though i must admit if was i single and no kid i would be there right next to her)envious isn't a strong enough word for how i feel.

but last night dinner was.... i'm not even quite sure what it was, for i'm still processing the night. my biggest fear of Liz ambushing me with brandy came through, though why i was surprised i don't really know. The night went OK, though several times i wanted to just run out of there screaming, but we're all adults here, i wanted to see Liz one last time. so i stayed made nice, even if its only one night, cause the 6 months of hell i went through (being 2 months pregnant near the end and having no friends there for me cause the turned their backs on me) is not gonna be erased in one night of pleasant conversation. The situation brings up memories of Kelly (bf in high school) and when i got pregnant then and he abandoned me. its painful, and it was painful for those 6 months in SA when i had a roommate from hell, and hurts even more cause i didn't have anyone to freak out about my pregnancy about.... in the end it was Terrill and I, and I understand now that he is the anchor that keeps me from going insane. i tried to sort out my feelings last night i needed to pinpoint the anger i had toward a certain ex roommate, i figured out that all the excuses i had masked the true reason because no matter what she was suppose to be my best-friend, but i still have scars from the knife wounds in my back, i was pregnant, alone, and living in hell, that night i lost the only 2 people (at that time) that i cared most about. and i dont think i can ever go back.

i can start here and bitch forever but i must head to work.... !